If he had a Facebook, I wonder what it’d be like. I wonder who his friends would be, if he’d consider himself in a relationship, what pictures he’d be tagged in, whether his status would be witty or if he’d give the annoyingly accurate minute-to-minute updates on the progression of his day. I wonder if we’d have many friends in common and what his “interests” and “hobbies” would be. How often would he change his profile picture? Would I Facebook stalk my own brother instead of calling to chat? …In the spirit of sisterly honesty…yeah, probably.
These are the thoughts that sting the most. Instead of simply remembering and enjoying the moments we’ve shared together, I can’t stop thinking about what our relationship would be like now and how his future would be shaping up–of where he would be and what kind of innocent trouble he’d be getting into. I’ve never known curiosity to be painful (except, of course, to that cat) but this feeling is a constant reminder of what we’ve lost and can’t have back. The memories feel inadequate and understanding how to live with that is something I don’t know how to do. I’m still plagued by the unfair.
Maybe it’s immaturity speaking and in a few years I’ll actually be able to celebrate his life without always feeling a guilt-ridden wave of anger. Of course, I hoped for the same revelation five years ago. Maybe I’ll be stuck in this fit of childish selfishness forever.
But then there’s the opposite, the positive. There’s the side that negates everything I just said and pushes me to write even after so many months of avoiding it. It’s the fact that he still inspires me–it’s been five years since he died and at the thought or mention of him I want to keep pushing in his direction. I want people to know about him even though he’s not here anymore.
I can’t begin to explain how all this works out in my head but it’s all there. The anger, the guilt, the pain and sadness…but also the inspiration and happiness that, in spite of the bitterness, comforts me enough to share his story with others. He’s a character that the world deserves to know and when I’m at my lowest, I know that I can depend on a picture of his goofy smile to provide me with enough inspiration to last the day.